Hello again. I’d be lying if I said some of you reached out after my last few posts. Well, No one did. Not sure if anyone reads the blog, let alone visit it.
Yet I’m Still Here
I won’t lie, it would be incredibly uplifting to hear from you, to get some feedback but it doesn’t really matter. I know I don’t need validation to blog, nor fishing for it will help. Plus I loath even doing it and loath is more when I see it.
But What’s Going on?
The short answer is, I haven’t been writing anything because I hit a pause on everything. I stopped on my novel, I’ve stopped blogging, I basically go to work, come home, let my brain race in circles until I pass out at 3am on the couch. The long answer is that I’ve taking a large number of steps backward in life and lost my footing. I think too much much at times about what I need to do, what doesn’t need to be done, what I haven’t done and what has to be done.
So this week I decided to break my self imposed junk food fueled exile and explain myself. I needed to make a decision on where I’m heading in the very near future since I can feel the darkness creeping over the corners of my mind again. I found myself again on a pathway of depression and worse.
And talking in vague circles…
I still don’t know if I can save myself from…well, myself?
Where did everything go?
I deleted it, duh.
A lot of my content was just really terrible, not properly thought out and garbage. Some more was just really childish writing and showed its age. In this day and age, I realize politics, religion and other general bullshit doesn’t have a place on my blog. Shouldn’t even have a place in my brain.
I realized I would talk politics to avoid talking about myself. The gossip of those without a social life to gossip about. Religion, likewise, is just another type of gossip and justification to declare the high ground with no justification. Plus, doesn’t enough people do that already? And the more I think about it, the more likely it’ll just lead to problems and drama
and I don’t want any more drama in my life.
I’m not going to realize the feeling of calm, control, and happiness that can come from anything until I stamp out ALL of the drama the plagues me. Now I can’t stop all of it, but you know what? I can certainly not invite it.
So I want to understand the power of having a peaceful home, work and personal life. I want to identify my values and goals. I want people in my life that I actually want to spend my days with. I want to be able to disconnect and forget the world and not have to worry for a change. I want to stop fearing the arrival of mail.
It will feel awesome. Focus. Freedom.
My last day off from work, with just me taking the day off, was maybe 12 years ago. Thank about that? Does that describe you too? You know how I feel then. To be able to disconnect from everything and truly focus on the healing myself and restoring myself.
Hrm. Maybe not restoring. That’s a bad word.
I know that Who I Am and Who I Really Am are two different people. Two aspects I have to reconcile. I had to first understand the price I am paying and paid in both physical and mental health by ignoring it. I had hoped, for decades, that part of this divide would die and fade away but it never did. It just hurt more. Hurt me more.
Debts & Deaths & Decisions
So at 36 years, I’m left wondering what I want to do with my life. I’ve made more progress in the last two years than the previous 34 years and yet all that progress came at a price. Each step lead to new allies and friends and help, yet as time progressed, it soured over and over.
I’m not the only person in this life and I know a lot of people aren’t on my side. Even less has my best interests at heart and even fewer would if they knew.
Regardless, my goals are bound and limited by this. I won’t exist and things will keep getting worse as a result. Yes, I’m mired in debt, some of which is mine and a lot of which I was setup for and saddled with because I let depression and anxiety get the better of me and people who said they would help just made things much much much worse.
depression
So yes, I’ve taken a bit of time to think things out and there are just no good choices to make. Whatever decision I make at this point will lead to more heartache and I know everything I’ve accomplished will come to a disastrous end. This is where my depression lies. I know how my life will end and why I’ll do it. No one will read that note, but that’s okay. I won’t leave one if it comes to that. I’m not sure if my family will survive, but that’s beyond my control. All I can do is do what I can to lessen their troubles each day.
But enough of that. In the meantime there are things coming up that I have to work on and things to do to avoid other problems, starting with finishing this blog.
Enjoy the summer!
Because you know it won’t end, at least in Florida. Eternal summer is here and my AC isn’t cooling enough.
With NaNoWriMo 2018 coming, I want to make a serious effort to finish my two books and publish them. They’ve been drafts long enough, time to write, polish, publish and get drunk as the bad reviews come in.
I also want to get back to my challenges. NaNoWriMo is one, but fitness too. My Health won’t last forever, but I can do something to keep is going for a while.
Less Is More is my current motto. I want to get rid of, shed, sell, dump or give away anything and everything I don’t need in my life. Hell, I don’t even know what I have left anymore except that it’s still too much. I want to see if I can reduce everything meaningful in my life down to a living space of 200sqft.
So there’s that. Thanks for visiting and reading this. Maybe if things turn around for me I can get to be more more and more of me. I should hide some hints around here 😉 So if you find it, thank you. And thank you for believing in me and my eternal fight against depression and anxiety.
Maybe one day I’ll get to live as me
