As of New Years Day today, I’ve been alive for nearly thirteen thousand days. It’s hard to let that sink in, thinking of all the days gone by, all the things that have happened and been done and I’ve been a part of or just witnessed. Some days that impacted me greater than others, leaving me changed while others passed from memory to never be thought of again.
It seems to me that the last five or six years of my life were a no man’s land of living. I stopped working on myself, forgot my goals, abandoned my ideals and simply existed as a mass of human flesh converting food to poop and oxygen to carbon dioxide.
That’s not a life. Not one worth living.
But that’s how I felt for those years. Kinda still do.
It seems like I make this post all to often. Lamenting not posting. Promising to post more. Thinking that if I try hard enough, that I’ll move forward. 3 years from that, 7 years ago, 10 years past, after 15 years and so on. It’s an endless cycle of doing nothing, absolutely nothing. My best plans, it all falls down in the end. I wake up, either hopeful for the day or already downtrodden and exhausted. I go through my ritual, sometimes looking every bit the professional or sometimes I just pull something on from the hamper and drag my feet. Sometimes I eat breakfast while other days I just warm up last night’s coffee. Instead, I just fall down.
And my days go like that, and in reflection, there are more of the other days and other times than the better days.
Time moves on, I fail to move forward.
It always struck me as odd that we [as a collective culture and civilization] that we make new year resolutions on the first of the year. Sure, it symbolizes commencement– but for me, it’s nearly 6 months off from the start of my year!
Another Type of New Years Day
Coding and web design really does involve magic.
For some reason, these things work perfectly in one configuration, then in the next it won’t work for no apparent reason
So fuck it, starting over.
In life, it goes without saying that mistakes will be made and some mistakes will be turning points. Things we loved, enjoyed, liked we once walk from and never go back to. It happens more than once, it happens over and over again.
And we let go of these things, we loose them. That’s life.
But sometimes, if we want it, if we get over our hang ups and regrets and burnt hopes- we can get it back.