For as long as I have known myself, thought about myself, I have felt a better way of existing begins with this tiny change. It’s like itch begging to be scratched except I can never scratch it.
Making tiny changes
A big, fundamental change never starts as such, not unless I am to invite disaster. It has to be small, incremental and – most of all – tiny. Because of a simple reason I think I should call….
I’m Lazy
And its for a bunch of reasons I won’t get into, but the reality is that I’m lazy and a lack of doing anything about it is 100% my fault. With another 50% of procrastination laid on top of that.
It’s not that I want to be lazy or anything, its that –
Ahh, there I go again, making excuses. Let’s not go down that road once again. Let’s focus on making tiny changes so I don’t bite off more than I can chew.
22 Days at a time
So I read it takes roughly 21 days to form a new habit. That sounds easy enough. Breaking bad habits to create better habits have to start somewhere and if I want to exist as who I need to be, then I have to start somewhere.
Right?
Right.
I’ve been this dude I am for ages. The short hair, the funky smell when I out sweat my antiperspirant, the body of a sack of potatoes devoid of anything I like about it – I’m over it. So I’m becoming the person I want to be instead
because I can
So my plan is basically a bunch of steps and the reward might as well be a sticker, but that’s besides the point. My main goal is to suppress and eliminate the things that are making me sad and depressed while working on my anxieties.
Eat Healthy for 21 days +
So yeah, this is a pretty basic goal, but I feel that getting a healthy diet going and eating healthy foods will definitely help my mood and keep my head stable since I’ve noticed that some bouts are connected to me not eating or eating poorly. I plan to use a food or meal tracker so I can start filtering out things like junk foods while eating more veggies and such so I can feel better about my eating habits. That said, I’m not swearing off any food, the goal here is to eat healthy not make myself miserable.
Exercise for 21 days +
This is gonna be the worst part of this list. Most typical on any list and the first one normally thrown out. But I want to find a routine that I can either do in a short amount of time or build up on as I get into the habit of doing it but also has real results. No point in doing exercise is it does nothing, right? I felt a lot better last time I dieted and exercised plus I lost weight and gained more energy.
I only stopped because of anxiety when walking my mile each day — but I have a treadmill doubling as a clothing rack in the garage, time for it to work for me!
Sleep Better for 21 days +
Since, oh, 2008 or so, I haven’t had a good nights sleep. Maybe 3-4 hours a night, sometimes as much as 6 on rare occasions when I’m totally exhausted. When I don’t enough sleep all my mind drifts and wanders to everything from with me, depression and such and its so much worse during those times. Alone, in bed, thinking and wide awake.
So I need to aim for 7-8 hours of uninterrupted sleep each night — but maybe I should start by aiming for 5 a night the first week, 6 the next, then 7 hours with 8 hours of sleep a night by the end of the month. I know this is something that is more a reflection of my own body and health but I feel a lot of my issues come from a lack of sleep. Plus it’s something that really is helpful because I doze off easily during the day and one thing I intend to do tends to make me even more sleepy so getting that sleep is even more important!
Better Outlets for 21 days +
This might be the most important one for me, especially since my window of opportunity for this is quite small for finding an outlet. In the pst it was making art on my computer or writing and just making websites and programming for fun. Sometimes its playing video games or reading a book. Sometimes its that simple, isn’t it. Like wearing some comfy clothing and settling in for an evening and just reading a good book?
Anything is better than the current outlets of wakeup, shower, coffee, work dinner, zone out, sleep and repeat. I need it to be something that provides me with something while I’m you’re stuck in this situation.
Distraction & Disconnection for 21 days +
One of my worst traits is that when there are problems, I begin to obsess about solving and worrying about potentional problesm that aren’t even real or worth worrying about all while I can’t do anything about it. So I need to commit to actually distracting myself when this happens.
Now that I think about it, this can range from my favorite entertainments, hanging out with friends (when I get some) and family or just finding a few good tunes or albums to listen to. Doesn’t matter what it is, as long as it breaks my attention worrying about things I can’t do anything about in the meantime. And honestly, solutions aren’t always found staring at a problem until it presents itself. Like a lost item, sometimes it takes a break to find it.
Talk, just talk.
While I was struggling, the hardest part of depression and anxiety was trying to reach out to people. While I know people love and care about me, friends and family and others would run for the hills if I tried talking to them and opening up in any way. I suppose part of it is fear or a lack of knowledge on how to handle it. I know for some it was disgust because I’m expected to be able to handle problems without help. I find that toxic. Some friends and family completely cut me off, others wanted nothing to do with me and the few I paid sessions with didn’t seem all interested in helping me find a pathway out of depression and anxiety.
I’m sure if I did have a private outlet I wouldn’t see every problem is being too big to solve on my own. Without someone to check my thought processes I’m sure I make bad decisions. Maybe some day I can get a therapist, but in the mean time I just need to find an outlet I can talk without dear of judgement or rejection. This might be the hardest part, finding someone to reach out to that I would know I can trust.
Maybe this is too much
But that’s all I can think of off the top of my head. I need to simplifying it a bit more or maybe it is simple and I just over thought it. I’m willing to add to this list or subtract it but lets see how it goes first I guess.
If only it was as simple as a happy sticker or little pill that would transform me magically, shifting my mind and body away from what it is now to who I really am but clearing out all that is wrong with me. If only it was that simple. Oh well, for all the all the good, the bad and the awkward that entails, I have to find my own path, alone.
But Maybe it is that simple…?
I don’t think I’ve been excited about a sticker since I was a little kid, but even then those memories are tainted with sadness or disappointment. Praise not to be believed, I suppose too. Someday it’ll be different, I have to hope for that. And I’ll give myself a sticker for it.
One day I’ll look back at This as day one.
