It seems to me that the last five or six years of my life were a no man’s land of living. I stopped working on myself, forgot my goals, abandoned my ideals and simply existed as a mass of human flesh converting food to poop and oxygen to carbon dioxide.
That’s not a life. Not one worth living.
But that’s how I felt for those years. Kinda still do.
If you experience suicidal thoughts or have lost someone to suicide, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.
It wasn’t until recently did I start thinking there was some chance I could escape the missteps of my recent life, the mistakes of my whole life and the bad hand I was left to play thanks to others in my life. I felt like I was left with only once choice in what I had to do. I let those thoughts gnaw at me, chew on me, consume me and while I raged and fought and, eventually, gave up I thought that maybe I should give into that choice.
It’s not a happy place to be and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
And what was worse is that every battle to turn it around, to turn my downward spiral around was only a Pyrrhic or temporary win. There was larger battles to fight, greater enemies coming at me. I spent so much time and energy fighting the wrong enemies and immediate threats, that I was caught off guard when the real fight began.
And to their credit, my immediate family stuck with me and I wouldn’t be around if they didn’t. I, unable to fix myself, dragged them through hell more than once and I regret doing that to them. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone and I did it to the two closet people in the world to me.
Like a force of nature, the real threat appeared.
I won’t go into a lot of detail, in fact this post has remained very abstract in discussing the threat. I don’t think it’s any of your business, honestly. But long story short, there are man made constructs and rules and systems that exist that are not evil, not by any measure. But when you abandoned living, and more importantly– the requirements of living, there is a price to pay.
These things are not evil or an enemy, but they are there. We don’t see a hurricane as evil, it’s a force of nature. We can see it on the horizon, mildly ignore it even, but when it hits… Hurricanes are like the finger of the gods themselves rubbing things out of existence. And, like a Hurricane, it’s nearly impossible to fend off your enemies and fight your battles when the ground is flooding, the wind is tearing off your roof and lightning striking all around as it spawns smaller storms and cataclysms in its wake.
So, yes, there was a price to pay.
When the disaster hit, among all the other battles I naturally fell into depression and a deep one with no escape. I felt as if I was cast out into the no-man’s land to die. I didn’t know how to fight, what to do and how to continue on.
And then I found a serenity in it. A solace. I knew what I needed to do and I was completely at peace with it. I made my plan, picked my day and withdrew. I no longer frowned, I actually felt happy and peaceful. I had a day where I didn’t need to look past things and try and worry about the future. Everyone would be able to move out of this dark period I was trapped in and I dragged everyone into. I had a solution that would make those problems solvable. Not by me, not totally, but I’d give a pathway out of the darkness.
I thought about writing a note — but the intended people those notes are written for never read it. No matter how well the intentions — or at least they don’t look that far. I’d leave another note.
Something useful, something that will be needed in the days beyond that dark day. I got rid of and finalized boxing up things.
Yes, I’m implying That ‘S’ Word.
So when the day came, I felt numb. I felt peaceful too. I cleaned the room up and got things organized. I waited for the time. Ate dinner, played with the dogs for hours and gave them treats. Smiled and laughed with family. I went upstairs that evening and sat down to do it.
And I started to cry, bawling my eyes out. Some corner of me kicked back. Alone in my bathroom I raged against myself and cursed myself for resisting this. It was my time, I needed to complete my life. I left the bathroom, light-headed, and went to bed. I didn’t touch anything in there. I’m getting dizzy just thinking about what I was going to do.
It’s still sitting there, untouched. I go in, clean up, relieve myself, shave and brush my teeth still. It stays put.
So I woke up the following morning and continued my life-like I never had those thoughts. I bargained and argued with myself inside my head day after day.
And I stopped wondering what was Beyond that.
I wondered what was beyond this.
I know now, I’m gonna lose my home. My business will most likely fail. I’ll lose everything I’ll own. Hell, these electrons your reading will disappear. I know these things as fact. And then what. I’ll still be here. It’s not the first time I walked back or stopped myself from doing something finally stupid with my existence. It’s not the first time something stopped me either. If I die, I know there is nothing by oblivion in the land beyond that. I know I will die somehow, somewhere, someday. So I don’t think I need to think about that. No one is immortal.
But I wondered if this was it? This was all there was to my life. Was this going to be an endless cycle of defeat and depression and despair? Do I forgive myself for all these years I mistreated myself? Do I hope again? Do I dream again?
Do I try again?