It seems like I make this post all to often. Lamenting not posting. Promising to post more. Thinking that if I try hard enough, that I’ll move forward. 3 years from that, 7 years ago, 10 years past, after 15 years and so on. It’s an endless cycle of doing nothing, absolutely nothing. I wake up, either hopeful for the day or already downtrodden and exhausted. I go through my ritual, sometimes looking every bit the professional or sometimes I just pull something on from the hamper and drag my feet. Sometimes I eat breakfast while other days I just warm up last night’s coffee. Instead, I just fall down.
And my days go like that, and in reflection, there are more of the other days and other times than the better days.
Time moves on, I fail to move forward.
I reflect upon the source of these problems, why I can’t seem to ever get out of the rut I’m stuck in. I think and rethink and explore choices and decisions. I always end up at two conclusions.
1.) I can’t blame anyone other than myself.
2.) I have fewer days ahead than behind.
It’s easy to blame others. Our entire news cycle revolves around reporters repeating people blaming people for things people blame one another for. There’s a lot of problems in my life that I can blame squarely on others. Some I could even take to court and actually win. A lot of problems I inherited that should have died with their owners instead of passing to me.
But at the end of the day, the problems still exist. Blaming others doesn’t solve problems and if, like in my case, the problems are already on my table, it doesn’t get rid of them.
I like to solve problems. Solutions fill me with joy and confidence and happiness. A while ago I tried to adopt a rule “If it’s not my problem, then I’m not dealing with it.” And that solved a lot of issues for a while since I just kicked back any problem that wasn’t mine to solve instead of getting involved.
But some problems like to involve me. Some, despite appearances, always involved me. Sometimes I just need to solve it to just move forward.
Time is running out.
I wasted so much time.
Years, even a decade or two depending on how you count it. As a teenager I, well, that was just a mess. No two cuts about it, it was a real mess. I couldn’t help but loose that time — but I also let go of time there to. I lost time on making healthy habits, I lost time on having fun in my last years as a kid, I gave up the learning curve of youth to grow up quickly for nothing. I let my own inner demons eat me alive and gnaw at my bones. I let it try and kill me more than once. And I suffered for it while smiling to others.
I let myself become someone I didn’t want to be and pretended I could be happy being someone else. I wasted real time pretending good things will happen to me by being someone else.
And in my 20’s, I compounding the issue by trying to recapture those lost years and make up for the mistakes and problems of others. Problems I didn’t need to solve. I skipped out on marriage and happiness and family with perhaps the great crush of my life because I felt I needed to repay a debt caused by my father. To undo some of the pain caused by my biological father in the world. You know, that sins of the father non-sense. My personal code at the time demanding I right the wrongs one way or another.
And, as I’ve said time before, It came back and hit my like a truck when I reached my 30’s. I had nothing. No love, no family (save my mother and brother and distant sister), Loosing my home to a trick played by fraudsters and criminals. Loosing my savings to a fake lawyer. Letting my passion for a career be extinguished. Giving up on trying to build my business into something greater. Ignoring real problems. Being lazy and letting my mind tear itself apart. Putting my health and self care in a distant 37th place to other issues. But enough of that, that’s the blame game.
Yeah, I let time run out. I did that to myself. I ruined myself. I blame myself.
And it keeps falling down.
I realize now, nothing I can do will be able enough or capable enough to save me. I’m not the kind of person that’s lucky with friends willing to help, business relationships to leverage, win the lotto or anything.
I got used to the idea of losing everything and then just giving up. I expected to be pushed down into the dirt and stomped on. My step father predicted it even. I keep wanting to blame him for breaking me, but I broke years and years ago. He just broke the flimsy repair job I did to keep myself together. Others contributed to wearing me down — but there I go again blaming myself. I let my life get filled with terrible people, bad people that surrounded me and I let them take advantage of me
And there’s no way out.
That’s the admission, I have no way out from any of this as long as anything I’m involved in is standing. It’s going to fall down one way or another, but the unhealthy people in my life are sucking away everything that matters in life to me and I’m letting them do it.
So I think I’m going to let it collapse, let everything come down and fall apart.